Basically what it says in the title
For the last four years this has been happening and I am less prepared each year
I have to go study, I just need to find my motivation from somewhere
I will probably be dead before my exams are over
3 weeks more of this torture is all I have to get through
Keep Running x
Thursday, 28 May 2015
Wednesday, 26 November 2014
Making a Start
Okay, so today started out awful. I didn't want to get out of bed and go to college. Once I got to college, I very almost skipped maths, but went in the end. I'm glad I went to lesson, as what we did was difficult and could potentially make up a lot of our exam. I kept on feeling bad and then got exasperated when my driving lesson was cancelled.
My day brightened up considerably when I text two of my old school friends and met up with them in town and spent the afternoon with them. I got some advice for where to go for mental health and had a good old chit chat. It has cheered me up a ton.
I think I'm going to try and make some progress doing work and preparing for the summer exams. I only get one shot at this and I want to do my best and not regret trying harder. It's difficult, especially with how I feel, but I cannot let the black moods beat me down.
Keep Running xx
My day brightened up considerably when I text two of my old school friends and met up with them in town and spent the afternoon with them. I got some advice for where to go for mental health and had a good old chit chat. It has cheered me up a ton.
I think I'm going to try and make some progress doing work and preparing for the summer exams. I only get one shot at this and I want to do my best and not regret trying harder. It's difficult, especially with how I feel, but I cannot let the black moods beat me down.
Keep Running xx
Tuesday, 25 November 2014
Hey.
I guess I haven't written here in a while. A lot has happened. I think it would be good for me to write on here again, express my feelings and review my day.
I'm actually writing this from the college library. I couldn't stand attempting to write Chemistry notes, so thought this would be a good idea instead. I haven't got any pressing homework, so why not?
Okay, sorta confession time. I am fairly convinced I have some degree of mental illness. I have thought this for the last 2 years or so, to some extent. I just seem to be an awful lot worse recently. But the thing is, I am worried that I'm only being silly and there's nothing actually wrong with me. This would mean that I've been insulting and discrediting people with very real mental illness.
I just feel so melancholic most of the time, so hopeless, as if there was a dementor following me around. Also I feel very very anxious, especially in class or just about any other situation. I'm not always sure why, but I am fed up of feeling like this.
I don't even know who to go to for help? Who is best to talk to about this kind of thing? The college counsellors? Or do I go to my GP? Either way it seems pretty impossible for me summon the courage to go to any of these people. I don't know what I'm more scared of, being told that I'm just being stupid and I'm fine, or being told that there is something wrong with me. I think that there is, but I'm absolutely terrified to talk to anyone about it.
If there is something wrong with me, then people will have to be told. My parents. My college. My work. Universities I'm applying for. My friends too, probably.
I need to get this sorted. It's hard for me to give a real smile and these negative feelings and black days are affecting my college work. Big time. I know that I have the potential to work so much better and achieve better results, I just do it. I'm not lazy, as my dad thinks. I genuinely find it so hard to face the world everyday. It feels like there is a lump of lead inside me, dragging me down.
In other news, I saw Mockingjay on Saturday and absolutely loved it. It was upsetting, but I think it was worse because I knew what was going to happen (having read the book). I don't know what people are complaining about. I might do a review on it, if I feel like it.
Also, I might try to do Youtube videos again, properly this time, and try and keep it continuous. I don't what I'd do though, vlogs probably.
Keep Running xx
I'm actually writing this from the college library. I couldn't stand attempting to write Chemistry notes, so thought this would be a good idea instead. I haven't got any pressing homework, so why not?
Okay, sorta confession time. I am fairly convinced I have some degree of mental illness. I have thought this for the last 2 years or so, to some extent. I just seem to be an awful lot worse recently. But the thing is, I am worried that I'm only being silly and there's nothing actually wrong with me. This would mean that I've been insulting and discrediting people with very real mental illness.
I just feel so melancholic most of the time, so hopeless, as if there was a dementor following me around. Also I feel very very anxious, especially in class or just about any other situation. I'm not always sure why, but I am fed up of feeling like this.
I don't even know who to go to for help? Who is best to talk to about this kind of thing? The college counsellors? Or do I go to my GP? Either way it seems pretty impossible for me summon the courage to go to any of these people. I don't know what I'm more scared of, being told that I'm just being stupid and I'm fine, or being told that there is something wrong with me. I think that there is, but I'm absolutely terrified to talk to anyone about it.
If there is something wrong with me, then people will have to be told. My parents. My college. My work. Universities I'm applying for. My friends too, probably.
I need to get this sorted. It's hard for me to give a real smile and these negative feelings and black days are affecting my college work. Big time. I know that I have the potential to work so much better and achieve better results, I just do it. I'm not lazy, as my dad thinks. I genuinely find it so hard to face the world everyday. It feels like there is a lump of lead inside me, dragging me down.
In other news, I saw Mockingjay on Saturday and absolutely loved it. It was upsetting, but I think it was worse because I knew what was going to happen (having read the book). I don't know what people are complaining about. I might do a review on it, if I feel like it.
Also, I might try to do Youtube videos again, properly this time, and try and keep it continuous. I don't what I'd do though, vlogs probably.
Keep Running xx
Sunday, 10 August 2014
So . .
I haven't posted in a couple of days. I don't know why, I guess it just seems a bit pointless.
I did my last day of work experience on Friday, most exciting aspect was bathing Sheena, a cairn terrier.
Yesterday I went to work. It was okay. I spent the entire morning looking after the animals.
At lunch I picked up my new glasses. I look like such a twat in them, I should have kept the old frames. Now I'm stuck with these for a year. :( When I was out, there was a marching band outside the town hall, they started playing and I was like 'oh fuck, some fucking orchestral noise' but after about 2 seconds I recognised the tune, and it was only Green Day's American Idiot! A marching band playing American Idiot. After that my day improved. I had some good laughs with my coworkers.
Today I had a lazy morning in bed, listening to the rain and reading fanfic. I liked that. Then I cleaned my guinea pig and hamster out. Slightly gross and smelly, but I still like doing stuff which involves my animals. They're so cute.
Now I'm just sitting here with a lack of motivation. I should be studying or writing a personal statement or doing something fun or constructive. I might play the sims 2 or watch a film or something. I dunno, this is what every day of my summer should be like, no obligations so I can be relaxed and not have to worry and then maybe I'd be more inclined to do something fun, like going out with my friends, rather than it feeling like a burden. Not that I don't love my friends, but I'm one of those people who hate people and going out the house is exhausting.
Keep Running xx
I did my last day of work experience on Friday, most exciting aspect was bathing Sheena, a cairn terrier.
Yesterday I went to work. It was okay. I spent the entire morning looking after the animals.
At lunch I picked up my new glasses. I look like such a twat in them, I should have kept the old frames. Now I'm stuck with these for a year. :( When I was out, there was a marching band outside the town hall, they started playing and I was like 'oh fuck, some fucking orchestral noise' but after about 2 seconds I recognised the tune, and it was only Green Day's American Idiot! A marching band playing American Idiot. After that my day improved. I had some good laughs with my coworkers.
Today I had a lazy morning in bed, listening to the rain and reading fanfic. I liked that. Then I cleaned my guinea pig and hamster out. Slightly gross and smelly, but I still like doing stuff which involves my animals. They're so cute.
Now I'm just sitting here with a lack of motivation. I should be studying or writing a personal statement or doing something fun or constructive. I might play the sims 2 or watch a film or something. I dunno, this is what every day of my summer should be like, no obligations so I can be relaxed and not have to worry and then maybe I'd be more inclined to do something fun, like going out with my friends, rather than it feeling like a burden. Not that I don't love my friends, but I'm one of those people who hate people and going out the house is exhausting.
Keep Running xx
Thursday, 7 August 2014
Cats Vs Boys
Today was a good day. I learnt lots of things and had fun doing it. I have been tired all day and there are two things I could really do with right now: a) 6 extra hours in the day b) some sort of foot massager.
At the vets today there was a ton of interesting things going on. I was shown how to analyse blood plasma (mostly down to the machine) and how to spot crystals in urine. I fed some dogs. I played with an eight week old kitten called Carlos which has no home but I can't give it one no matter how much I'd like to. There were two ex-breeding cats being spayed. Both had infected uteruses which were swollen quite large with pus (very much ew).
There was a german shepherd called Sasha that had a twisted stomach two weeks ago (unfortunately common in larger, deep chested dogs and rather dangerous for them). She was having extensive surgery to attach part of the wall of her stomach to the muscle in her abdominal cavity to try and prevent it from happening again. That was f*cking awesome to watch. There was a cat who was having small tumours removed from the back of its mouth. There was a cat that had been run over (it only had 3 legs) and had to have its tail lasered to help with healing.
There was a cat who had come in for dental work. The side of its face was swollen and its teeth were in crap condition. Mind you, it was 16 years old, so a good age for a cat. Unfortunately a tumour was causing all the problems in its mouth and it had to be put to sleep. It's the first time I've watched an animal die. It was extremely unexciting. It was already asleep because of the anaesthetic (which they give animals anyway (or a sedative) so it's not so bad for them when they are lethally injected. I felt a brief sadness at its passing but not much. I think I could cope with stuff like that ok if I became a vet. I think the problem for me would be dealing with the owners if they became distressed at the animal's passing.
There was a more cheerful afternoon in consulting, especially when a ten week old labrador puppy came in for it's injections. It was absolutely adorable.
Every day so far a boy/young man has been getting the same train home as me. He looks like the lovechild of Mikey Way and Patrick Stump. And he was reading a book on the train. I managed to sit opposite him today. I really wish I had the confidence to talk to him. Maybe I would if I wasn't so fat and we weren't both so antisocial, avoiding eye contact with other people and listening to music. I wouldn't mind a boyfriend.
I also can't wait until I move out of home. I'm so fed up of being bothered by my mum and of my brother just existing.
Keep Running xx
At the vets today there was a ton of interesting things going on. I was shown how to analyse blood plasma (mostly down to the machine) and how to spot crystals in urine. I fed some dogs. I played with an eight week old kitten called Carlos which has no home but I can't give it one no matter how much I'd like to. There were two ex-breeding cats being spayed. Both had infected uteruses which were swollen quite large with pus (very much ew).
There was a german shepherd called Sasha that had a twisted stomach two weeks ago (unfortunately common in larger, deep chested dogs and rather dangerous for them). She was having extensive surgery to attach part of the wall of her stomach to the muscle in her abdominal cavity to try and prevent it from happening again. That was f*cking awesome to watch. There was a cat who was having small tumours removed from the back of its mouth. There was a cat that had been run over (it only had 3 legs) and had to have its tail lasered to help with healing.
There was a cat who had come in for dental work. The side of its face was swollen and its teeth were in crap condition. Mind you, it was 16 years old, so a good age for a cat. Unfortunately a tumour was causing all the problems in its mouth and it had to be put to sleep. It's the first time I've watched an animal die. It was extremely unexciting. It was already asleep because of the anaesthetic (which they give animals anyway (or a sedative) so it's not so bad for them when they are lethally injected. I felt a brief sadness at its passing but not much. I think I could cope with stuff like that ok if I became a vet. I think the problem for me would be dealing with the owners if they became distressed at the animal's passing.
There was a more cheerful afternoon in consulting, especially when a ten week old labrador puppy came in for it's injections. It was absolutely adorable.
Every day so far a boy/young man has been getting the same train home as me. He looks like the lovechild of Mikey Way and Patrick Stump. And he was reading a book on the train. I managed to sit opposite him today. I really wish I had the confidence to talk to him. Maybe I would if I wasn't so fat and we weren't both so antisocial, avoiding eye contact with other people and listening to music. I wouldn't mind a boyfriend.
I also can't wait until I move out of home. I'm so fed up of being bothered by my mum and of my brother just existing.
Keep Running xx
Wednesday, 6 August 2014
Day 2 - Tired Zombie Noise
Today has been one of those kinda ugh days. I've found it hard to settle to any task and have found it difficult to listen to music. It's what I generally call a restless day I haven't been in a particular happy or enthusiastic mood but I think this is more due to tiredness than any sort of black mood.
Being around animals really helps prevent me from feeling too unmotivated. Nothing is better than an overly bouncy terrier who's pleased to see you for no reason or a fluffy cat to stroke or a tiny bunny to coo over. Today there was a cat called Tigger who had a blade of grass stuck up her nasal passage that had to be removed. It is likely she coughed after eating grass and it had shot up from her oesophagus. There was also a beautiful ragdoll cat called Lexie who had gorgeous blue eyes and a fluffy coat and nothing in particular wrong with her. A tiny 8 week old kitten was the source of amusement for the nurses this afternoon before afternoon consulting began.
There were of course, some really nice dogs around as well, such as one who had been spayed the previous day and one of the nurses had walked in this morning to find it and its kennel covered in blood from where the labradoodle had chewed her bandages and licked at her stitches. (The dog was fine btw) So kinda ew. Also there are a pair of westies which are there on holiday (the ones quite sickly) and one was sick and the other ate it. So yeah the dogs were a bit gross today, but I still love them.
On a different note, my mum kept bothering me when I got home about writing my personal statement for UCAS. I actually don't want to apply to university this year. I haven't done enough work experience and I'm not going to get the AS grades to get the predicted A level grades to get into vet school. I don't particularly want to take a gap year but it would be a good chance for me to catch up with myself and take a break from being so busy all the time.
I really need to go to bed or I'm going to be really tired tomorrow, which is not a good idea for trying to be motivated.
Keep Running xx
Being around animals really helps prevent me from feeling too unmotivated. Nothing is better than an overly bouncy terrier who's pleased to see you for no reason or a fluffy cat to stroke or a tiny bunny to coo over. Today there was a cat called Tigger who had a blade of grass stuck up her nasal passage that had to be removed. It is likely she coughed after eating grass and it had shot up from her oesophagus. There was also a beautiful ragdoll cat called Lexie who had gorgeous blue eyes and a fluffy coat and nothing in particular wrong with her. A tiny 8 week old kitten was the source of amusement for the nurses this afternoon before afternoon consulting began.
There were of course, some really nice dogs around as well, such as one who had been spayed the previous day and one of the nurses had walked in this morning to find it and its kennel covered in blood from where the labradoodle had chewed her bandages and licked at her stitches. (The dog was fine btw) So kinda ew. Also there are a pair of westies which are there on holiday (the ones quite sickly) and one was sick and the other ate it. So yeah the dogs were a bit gross today, but I still love them.
On a different note, my mum kept bothering me when I got home about writing my personal statement for UCAS. I actually don't want to apply to university this year. I haven't done enough work experience and I'm not going to get the AS grades to get the predicted A level grades to get into vet school. I don't particularly want to take a gap year but it would be a good chance for me to catch up with myself and take a break from being so busy all the time.
I really need to go to bed or I'm going to be really tired tomorrow, which is not a good idea for trying to be motivated.
Keep Running xx
Tuesday, 5 August 2014
You Know What, I Don't Care
Erm, well. The blogging habit didn't really stick. In my defense, I had to study. Or in my case, procrastinate and be in denial that I had any exams at all. Which really didn't work as they all went terrible. My only happy thing is that at least I can resit them next year. On top of my A2s.
My plan with this now is to try and write a little each day, usually about what I did, and how I felt, in an effort to keep track of what I've been doing. Also I was told doing something like this helps with depression, which is the main reason I'm doing this.
Today I was on my second day of work experience with a vets. I almost missed the train. I hate how busy the trains are. Way too many people in a reasonably small space, it makes me panicky.
Other than that, I'm absolutely loving my work experience so far. I am 99.8% sure I want to be a vet now. Quite a bit of it seems pretty routine, giving vaccinations ect, but there's always interesting things. I love being at the vets, learning things I'm actually really interested in. Also, everyone who works there who I've met so far is super nice.
Anyways, I've just read something about fanfic-come-published authors using the fandom and ripping off other popular fanfics to get themselves to success, with EL James of Fifty Shades of Shit as a prime example. I think its absolutely awful that people do stuff like this. A fandom is a community if not a family and it saddens me greatly that people use us like that sometime. I wish there weren't so many shitty people in the world.
Ummm that's it for now folks.
Keep Running xx
My plan with this now is to try and write a little each day, usually about what I did, and how I felt, in an effort to keep track of what I've been doing. Also I was told doing something like this helps with depression, which is the main reason I'm doing this.
Today I was on my second day of work experience with a vets. I almost missed the train. I hate how busy the trains are. Way too many people in a reasonably small space, it makes me panicky.
Other than that, I'm absolutely loving my work experience so far. I am 99.8% sure I want to be a vet now. Quite a bit of it seems pretty routine, giving vaccinations ect, but there's always interesting things. I love being at the vets, learning things I'm actually really interested in. Also, everyone who works there who I've met so far is super nice.
Anyways, I've just read something about fanfic-come-published authors using the fandom and ripping off other popular fanfics to get themselves to success, with EL James of Fifty Shades of Shit as a prime example. I think its absolutely awful that people do stuff like this. A fandom is a community if not a family and it saddens me greatly that people use us like that sometime. I wish there weren't so many shitty people in the world.
Ummm that's it for now folks.
Keep Running xx
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